Solving the Character Issue

In this emotional political season where divining the true character of our political candidates is more difficult than telling the cleaners where to deliver Donald Rumsfeld's pants, I find my thoughts turning first to spring, simply because I’ve about had it with winter and then to Richard Nixon, the first political sacrifice made to the pagan gods of television.

Nixon lost the 1960 presidential race to John F. Kennedy, in large part due to his “performance” at the first televised political debate. While most viewers polled after the debate agreed that Nixon had a solid handle on the issues and clearly outlined his political objectives, the same viewers felt his physical unease before the cameras, five o’clock shadow and pale complexion left them uneasy when compared to JFK’s confident, media savvy demeanor, and beautiful tan.

Well, you know how it turned out: the pale, nervous, awkward guy was narrowly defeated by the robust, charming, media savvy guy.

Lesson learned and 40 years later everybody that runs for office is the robust, charming and media savvy guy – except the women – they’re the robust, charming, media savvy gals. Can you still say that, “gals”? I better apologize in advance. Anything publicly stated beyond “Hello” these days often results in a class action suit. Before you get any ideas, everything I own is in my dog’s name and everything he owns is in the Caymans.

With an eye on the presidential election in 2008, how are we supposed to sort out this new breed of politician who knows just as much about lighting their good side as they do about supply side economics? How can we really know what a political candidate truly thinks when their off the cuff remarks are written six weeks earlier by a team consisting of six Harvard graduates, Dr. Steven Hawking, Camille Paglia, two fellows from the Rand Institute and a couple of kids from The Simpsons?

Until this year, I couldn’t have cared less either way. I’ve been a registered member of the Baby With the Bath Water Party for over a decade. We believe it is in the country’s best interest to reject all individuals seeking higher office on the basis that no one in their right mind would want to run in the first place.

But that’s not a political ideology to pass on to children and more importantly people stopped inviting me to election night parties and I really miss that five-layer Mexican bean dip which never tastes the same when I make it at home.

So I came up with an idea that might help us skeptics get back into the political swing of things. A mandatory, three-month reality television series on C-Span that follows each candidate everywhere they go. It’s perfect. No one, not even the most seasoned political animal can stay in character 24/7. All us voters would have to do is tune in and wait for the façade to crumble.

Want to know whether John McCain is telling the truth when he says his wife is his most trusted advisor? Let’s see how he handles the clicker when they’re both sitting on the couch in front of the tv.

Want to substantiate John Edward’s assertion that he knows how difficult it is to juggle job and parenting responsibilities? Let’s watch how he reacts to the realization that the water dripping on his eggs from the ceiling is the direct result of his son flushing a Beany Baby down the toilet.

Would you rather hear Hillary Clinton's plan for decreasing the budget deficit or listen to her reaction when she discovers that Bill Clinton has just signed up as a contestant on "Dancing with the Stars"?

Want to know whether Barack Obama has the organizational skills to implement a voter registration program? Let’s see how he puts his clothes away at the end of the day. Does he hang everything back up neatly? Does he toss everything on the chair oblivious or unconcerned about the risks associated with bad feng shui ? Or is he possibly a hamper man like my son, who creates the illusion of neatness and responsibility by simply tossing everything in the laundry - clean or dirty -just to avoid hanging anything up at all?

For the record, my wife nor I will never vote for someone who knowingly stuffs perfectly clean clothes in a dirty clothes hamper.

I believe a C-Span series that follows presidential hopefuls around the clock for 90 days is the cure to our collective political malaise. I say forget the speeches, the policies, the platforms and the platitudes, there’s no need for us to know whether they really feel our pain or not. Let us see how they handle their own pain in the form of the trials and tribulations we all learn to live with each and every day.

Show me a presidential candidate who can stay to the end of a birthday party with twenty-seven screaming eight-year old boys and I’ll show you the potential leader of the free world.

Can I count on your support?